Novels The Damascus Files In The Interest of Science Other Stories A Deafening Silence Finding Zuzu's Petals Into The Mystic Je T'aime Knockin' On Heaven's Door Knowing Korena, Korena Matthew 19:14 Nightwing Sweet Dreams Symbiosis A Texas History Lesson This Could Be Heaven,   or This Could Be Hell Timepieces Your Soul in My Heart Other Info About Kat Linkage Feedback   In the Interest of Science Select a chapter Return to Story Index Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Full Text Only Chapter Ten Location Unknown Early May By mid-afternoon most of the effects of the anesthesia had worn off and Mulder seemed in excellent condition. The side of his chest where the biopsy had been done was tender but it didn't appear to bother him that much. I, on the other hand was a basket case. On and off throughout the morning, the reality that our chance was over would hit me and I would make some silly excuse in order to leave his room. Once out of his sight, I would burst into tears, ranting and raving angrily at the injustice of it all. After a few minutes, my tantrum spent, I'd wrestle control of my emotions, go wash my tear-streaked, swollen face and take up my place at his side. 'Til the next time the thoughts surfaced and I had to repeat everything all over again. Of course, none of it fooled Mulder for one second. He knew exactly why I was making my hasty exits and after what must have been the tenth time he grabbed my arm to stop me. He winced as I tried to shake loose from him and inadvertently jarred his sore side. I'd hurt him. The tears started to flow. For the second time that day he pulled me to him and like before, I buried my face on his chest, needing the feel of his gentle comfort. My emotional storm soon passed and I sat up, wiping the tears from my face. Mulder offered the corner of his bed sheet for my runny nose and I burst out laughing at his gesture. Grabbing tissues off the bedside table, I used them instead. "Scully," He said, touching my cheek lightly with his fingertips, "We need to do something to take our mind off the waiting. Before we run out of Kleenex." "What do you have in mind" I asked arching a brow. "Nothing too strenuous," he replied, laughing at my teasing innuendo. "I'm too sore. How about making them get us some videos, stuff for root beer floats, and a bag of sunflower seeds. Then you can crawl up here with me and we can just kind of veg out." "Oh, you wild and crazy guy." I pushed up from the bed, chuckling, and went to see if somebody could grant his request. "Tell 'em to get something with Steve Martin", he yelled as I walked out the door. The next morning we discovered two more tumors, small, but these were in the groin area near the lymph nodes. The one I'd found first, had almost doubled in size in less than 48 hours and appeared to be putting pressure on the chest cavity. Dr. Williams decided we should wait one more day and if there were more tomorrow, that would definitely be it for the transplants. Surgery would most likely be the next step for Mulder, to remove the rapidly growing masses. What little hope I had left was dashed the following day when the number of tumors reached 13. "My not so lucky number, huh?" Mulder quipped at hearing the news. I was able to keep my emotions in check, probably because there were no tears left. I felt hollow. I held Mulder's hand while Dr. Williams told us what was ahead. "I'm going to have Dr. Burrell assist me on the surgery. He specialized in oncology before going into research, so we'll be covered in the worst-case scenario. He can't be here until day after tomorrow, though. If that largest one keeps growing and we start having problems, I'll go ahead and remove it but let's shoot for Monday morning for your surgery." "No," Mulder replied firmly. "No surgery." The Doctor and I stared at him, stunned. Mulder's eyes met mine and then I understood. "Let's just leave well enough alone," he explained, his grip on my hand tightening. "I think it's time we threw in the towel. Scully knows what my wishes were if the transplant failed. No more treatment, no surgery. I think it's time to just let nature take it's course. Is that okay with you, Doctor?" Joe Williams nodded. Perhaps he didn't agree with Mulder's choice, but he did agree it was his right to make the decision. "I don't know how long it might take. Even if all the tumors are benign, at the rate they're growing, it won't take long before they start compromising vital organs. If things continue the way they're going and we were to make no intervention except for relief of pain, my guess is you have maybe two weeks at most. Does that sound like a plan?" "If my Blue Cross will cover it, sure," Mulder replied dryly. The doctor shook his head but didn't try to argue, choosing to respect his patient's wishes. I could see Williams was upset that our association was going to end this way. With a brief nod, he left us alone. My shaking knees finally gave out and I sat beside Mulder on his bed. My lips were trembling as I struggled against the hot tears that threatened. I was afraid if I started to cry, I might never be able to stop. "Thank you." His voice was low and husky. He was spent, worn down by the disappointments and decisions he struggled through this long painful morning. I didn't trust myself to speak, so I nodded. His gaze was soft with tenderness. His eyes brimming over with sorrow and regret. "Damn it," he muttered, reaching up to place a finger on my bottom lip. "I didn't want to do this to you again. I wanted so badly for it to work ." Silent tears rolled down his face and I kissed them away. We lay there quietly, silenced by our grief. Words wouldn't make things better, but holding each other did. After a while, Mulder drifted off to sleep. I couldn't. There would be time for sleep after he was gone. I curled up beside him, studying his face, committing it all to memory. Because in time, that would be all I had. I did finally sleep. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." I'd never felt so bitter about the truth of Christ's words as I did that morning when I awoke to find Mulder, peacefully watching ME sleep. He grinned and my disappointment vanished. "What a smile," I murmured in admiration, reaching up to touch the corners of his mouth. His look became one of boyish embarrassment and I laughed out loud. I wanted to drink in his every expression, consume all I could, while I had the chance. "I'm hungry", I whispered into his ear, playfully nipping it as I spoke. He turned to look at me, searching my face. I was stunned by his reluctance, disappointed. "Why?" he whispered. At first, I didn't understand his question. Then realization came and I knew what had to be said. "Mulder, this isn't about pity. Don't you know by now, how you make me feel when you touch me? Look at me. You've been like this for almost a year, so you know what pity looks like. How can you say you see pity in my face?" I stopped a moment to touch his mouth, softly with the tips of my fingers. For years, I had wanted to touch those lips. He caught my eye and I knew he'd read the truth in my face. I shivered when he kissed each digit. When you know each time might be the last, you want that much more for it to be the best and we moved through our passion with deliberate slowness, savoring every touch. There were no new tumors the next morning and no change in the ones that we'd detected, so a stay was granted for another day. Twenty-four hours later, the results were the same, with one happy exception -- the large mass on his side that had begun to compromise his chest cavity, was noticeably smaller. I detected a twinkle in Dr. Williams' eyes when he reported the news. "And this means?" Mulder asked, keeping any excitement in check as best he could. "I don't know?" Williams shrugged with a grin, " I'm just a mad doctor, not a psychic." We laughed, a vain attempt to ease the electric excitement that was in the air. Hopes that had been dashed were now rising, but we all seemed to have a silent agreement to keep them restrained. Maybe we feared the fates might steal them away again. Throughout the week, the atmosphere among everyone involved was tense and hair-trigger. Everyone except Mulder. He had always been the excitable, impatient one in our partnership. He now spent the week calming me, which I must admit, was a nice change. He showed great imagination in figuring ways to burn off my nervous energy. The tenth day after Mulder's death sentence had been passed, it was repealed. Each day passed with no new masses and the others had either not changed or shrank in size. "Think you'd like to have surgery tomorrow?" Doctor Williams asked Mulder, a teasing gleam in his eye. "Maybe a little transplant or two?" Once more I had to perch on Mulder's bed because my legs wouldn't hold me. It was going to happen. My mind was reeling. "Okay," Mulder's normally quick repartee had left him. Joe Williams beamed at us, then proudly announced, "It's time." Go to Chapter 11 DISCLAIMER: "The X-Files" and its characters are owned by FOX and its related entities. All rights reserved. This website, its operators and any content on this site relating to "The X-Files" are not authorized by Fox. No copyright infringement is intended. 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